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SOMEONE'S GETTING FATTER

While the rest of America is packing on the pounds. Connecticut and Massachusetts are among the Top 5 Thinnest states in the country. The article I came across below is great news, but don't let it deceive you. While CT has 21.8% obesity level and Mass at 23.1%, the percentages still aren't great. The article goes on to talk about how education, race, income and culture have a large effect on our nation's eating habits.

Regardless of how old you are, what color you are, how much money you have and where you came from...unless you are in a coma...you can exercise daily. Just like you shower everyday, eat, drink water, go to work....exercising and some sort of nutrition should be a part of everyone's life. I preach this to my dad on a weekly basis...just ask him!

 

Here's the link:
http://bit.ly/nevX8n

TOP 10 FRIDAY: Restaurants you NEED to go to.

Finally I've gotten around to doing a post on restaurants in Connecticut.  I love trying new places, some on the list I haven't even been able to go to myself yet, so I saved the last 3 entries for them.  If you know of one that is a must for the list that I've left out, since I only had room for 10, please share.  I know everyone is always looking for new and good restaurants to go to.

10.  Ming Ghung Asian Bistro (Glastonbury)
http://www.minghungcuisine.com/
 This cozy Japanese restaurant, with outdoor patio seating in the summer, is tucked away in a small complex on the New London Tpke in Glastonbury.  I have never had a bad experience there and the sushi rolls are amazing.  I suggest the Paradise roll (which is not on the menu) the Kill Bill Roll, and the Men in Black roll. 

9.  Oaxaca Kitchen (New Haven)
http://www.yelp.com/biz/oaxaca-kitchen-new-haven
I came across this cute little find on Yelp and had an late lunch there with come friends.  The margaritas were amazing, the table side (equipped with hot server and cart) guacamole was delicious and there is even a small seating area outside on College St.  From 3-5 during the week they have $6 margaritas and a small plate menu. 

8.  Uncorked (West Hartford)
http://www.uncorkedct.com/
For any wine lover this is a must.  This is slowly, but surely becoming my favorite place to go in West Hartford.  Their cheese plates were amazing (Asiago and drunken Goat were to die for) and the $5 small plates they had early Sunday evening hit the spot.  Our Wine Steward or Sommelier I believe it's called, knew all the wines and every time I go there are new tastings available to fit the season.  Tastings are by the taste, half glass or full.  I would just say be ready to spend a penny or two if you plan on tasting a lot.

7. Hot Basil Thai Cafe (West Hartford)
http://www.hotbasilcafe.com/
I need to first mention that this place is BYOB and their is a liquor store next to it, so that's just a bonus altogether, but the food they present is amazing.  The Hot Basil chicken and the cashew chicken are some of my faves.

6.  Tunxis Grille and Pizzeria (Windsor)
http://www.tunxisgrill.com/
Fried pickles, chicken pesto, motz and arugula paninis and pecan crusted chicken  with gorgonzola and balsamic dressing. The atmosphere is cute for family or friends to get together and everything I have tried has been phenomenal.

5.  Pho 501 (East Hartford)
There's no website.  These people are straight off the boat and they serve two things. Pho with shrimp or Beef.... and Spring rolls.  They only accept cash and it's not fancy wancy, but it's amazing Vietnamese food.  Ask anyone that works at Pratt & Whitney.

4.  Tapas (Few locations)
http://www.tapasonline.com/ordereze/default.htm
I come here just for the Greek Salad.  They have other great and delicious items on the menu, but I can not go there without ordering a Greek salad.  their hummus is good, their mediterranean platter with tabouli and feta, grapes leaves and muesli...all delicious. Greek salad...or a gyro...a must!  You can even buy a bottle of their Greek dressing...mmmmm

3.  Caseus Bistro (New Haven)
http://caseusnewhaven.com/
A CHEESE RESTAURANT!  You have to click on the website.  Their platters look amazing!  I have yet to go, it's on my list, but you can NEVER go wrong with good cheese.  Careful on their hours and look out for their cheese truck.  Seriously...someone from heaven has sent them.

2. Joey Garlic's (Few locations)
www.joeygarlics.com/

I have yet to go to this restaurant yet, but I've heard amazing things from everyone that has so it is most definitely on my list.

1.  Ted's Restaurant (Meriden)
http://www.yelp.com/biz/teds-restaurant-meriden
Ever since I saw the episode on Man vs Food with the steamed hamburgers and steamed cheese I've been dying to go to this place. 

Where are your favorite spots, cozy or lavish....expensive or low budget.  Who doesn't love a good meal?

Change is....

Scary or Exciting?  I'd say a little bit of both.  Within the next 8 months, my life will do a complete 180.  That's F*bombin* scary! The fear that is inside me is the unknown of what is to come and the excitement is very much the same exact unknown.  We hear all the time that people do not embrace change very well.  People by nature enjoy being content and comfortable....I enjoy being content and comfortable, or do I not?

Along with my rambling bullshit about how not to talk about your baby in months, my ex's spelling errors, moronic humans walking this earth and some posts on just how to be a better person, I've decided to share my experiences with change of the next few months in hopes to gain some clarity through writing and maybe some advice from you (wink, wink). 

In honor of a long time weekday friend....Thirsty Thursday....I've decided to title the series exactly that. I've discovered through all my thinking I'm Thirsty for Change, so it is only proper (and corny) that I do the posts on that day of the week while looking for the answers in the Grey Goose bottle. 

So for the next few Thursdays I'm going to vulnerably express my feelings on this change...I have no idea what i will endure, but I do know you can probably expect:  Stories about crappy friends, a once on again/off again love affair turned fairytale romance, a town called Rolla - Missouri,  having no idea how to sell a house that I'm putting on the market, giving in to stubbornness, the gratitude for supportive family and friends, a long distance relationship, my emotional breakdowns and figuring out what makes me happy in this crazy world.

A question I've been pondering over lately is if I'm lucky to have been given the opportunity of a life altering change.  Are people not given these often enough in life, or do we just not take them when they are, or better yet, not create them ourselves?

I've yet to make a change and not think or be told..."Everything happens for a reason".  Instead of hearing someone say this to me after the fact of change, I'm embracing it before the storm. 

WAITSTAFF? LISTEN UP

Being a former waitress, I have the authority to say this. LISTEN CAREFULLY...

I'm sure you're a great waiter/waitress and all.  I'm sure you know your menu by heart.   I've met you, and I've met your menu knowing skills....and you've come out with a dish that I, or someone at my table didn't order.  So please, take a moment to write our orders down. No one will frown upon you. No one will think you suck.  I believe people will appreciate the fact that you would like to get their order correct,  I know I would.

While we're at it...there's a two bite rule...after you've delivered my food, and I've had time to take two bites, come back and ask if I need anything, not 10 minutes later.

Also Smile!...You're getting tips you don't have to claim with the goverment. Bon Appetit!

TOP 10 FRIDAY: TRICKS EVERY PHOTOGRAPHER WISHES YOU KNEW BEFORE POSTING ON FACEBOOK by Diane Parsons

Oh Yay!  First off I love having guest bloggers, but secondly I really Love Love  today's guest blogger.  Diane Parsons from Parsons Photography first photographically swept me off my feet at my friend Sara's bridal shower, then again at her wedding.  She did my Boudoir pictures for my boyfriend back in February for Valentine's Day (BOUDOIR....OH LA LA) and since then, she's done quite a few more for some of my friends. 

Diane is super creative, a ton of fun to work with and I just can't say enough great things about her.  Coincidentally, she also has a blog, so to keep track of what she's been up to and where she's been, visit any of the following:

Facebook:  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Parsons-Photography/59993786070
Twitter: @parsonsphoto
Blog: http://www.parsonsphotoblog.org/


TOP 10 Tricks every photographer wishes people knew before posting photos on Facebook!

10.  A photo is flat…please remember that.  When your photo is taken, the camera essentially flattens you – so think of that when you’re posing.  If you stand face on, everything gets flattened.  If you stand at a 45 degree angle, you slim your hips, your tummy and accent your curves.

9  When taking a group photo, make sure the people on the ends are not leaning in.  If they can fit in the frame, ask them to stand up straight.  If they can’t fit, then have them crouch down in front.


8. Summer time is upon us – so are sleeveless tops.  Always make sure your elbow points

 away from the camera – when you point it towards the camera, your upper arm will appear short and/or fat (no matter what your size is)

Positioning elbows away from the camera

7. Self portraits – I love self portraits, they crack me up!  Just watch your neck – if you’re straining, it’ll show in the photos as nasty chicken neck!

Another self portrait, using a mirror in an elevator

6.  On the same line of self portraits – your arm is almost guaranteed to be in the shot.  With editing programs (like Photo Shop) being more readily available on cell phones, use it to crop the photo and take your arm out.



Self Portrait ;)



5. On the note of editing programs – don’t over edit!!  Sometimes it is fun to do a really crazy Picasso shot…sometimes it’s not.  Over saturated shots aren't appealing; black and white with just your eyes blue is just plain creepy; and too much glow makes you look like an apparition.



4.  FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS – just because you have an expensive camera doesn't mean every photo is going to be perfect.  I cringe when people post photos and give the information: “I shot this with a Canon 7D, 50mm f/1.8 lens, f/1.8, 250th of a second” but NOTHING is in focus.  That’s great that you bought a new toy – now learn how to use it!!  Yes, there is auto focus, but it’s not auto think.

Using selective focus to draw attention to the subject (but it IS in focus)

Coming down to a child's level.

3.  Don’t brag, there’s always someone better than you.  My favorite brag is “I shot this in Manual mode” – my 5 year old shoots in manual mode (seriously, she does…I put my 7D on a tripod and she knows what to do with the dials and manipulates the settings).  No one cares HOW you got the shot, just the fact that you got the shot!

2.  If you take photos of kids or pets, remember that they are much smaller than you.  Photograph at their level (sit on a chair, or sit on the floor).  When you stand up to look down to them, you smush them in the photo.  Come to their level to make them look “normal”

Animals at engagement

1.   DON’T SAY CHEESE…they call it a “cheesy” smile for a reason!  So many people come to me and complain that they don’t like their smiles – well, I don’t like mine when I say “cheese” too!!  Crack a joke or say something silly – I usually tell adults to say “peanut butter and jelly sandwich” – by the time they’re finished with that mouthful, they laugh…then I take the shot.  With kiddos, we tell silly jokes – cracks them up every time!

Thanks Diane for sharing some of your tips with us and thanks for being awesome! :)

A SPELLING BE(E)

Let me just start by stating that with the advances in technology I understand using Y(Why), U (You), phones misspelling and auto-correcting our words and definitely acronyms (OMG, WTF, b/c, etc). Updating statuses too soon, having a limited number of characters on your twitter updates and needing to text quickly have all taken away from the proper place for grammar and spelling.  I want to make it clear that these things are NOT what I am talking about.

If you are guilty of any of the following, and you know who you are because it shows all over your face book wall then please...pick up a dictionary!

Tomorrow is not spelt Tomarrow.  Not ever, not in any language or any sense of the way.  If you always spell it like this it's likely NOT a correction error on your phone.

The word TOO and TO are misspelled all the time.  If something is also, you are also doing something or there is a lot of something, it is TOO much.  If you aren't spelling it like that when used like that then you are guilty TOO.  When you go TO write the word next time, think about it, even if it hurts TOO much.

THERE refers to a place. I'm going THERE.  Look over THERE! THERE you are.  (Remember it like this kiddos, if you're not HERE, you're T-HERE. You should be able to use here in almost any place you can use there.
THEIR indicates a possession.  Is that THEIR house over THERE?   THEIR keys are right THERE.  Are you getting it?  THEIR can usually be replaced with OUR (remember EIR, kind of looks like OUR).
Finally they ever so unused and misused THEY'RE.  Let's just spell this out.  THEY ARE.  That's all you need to know.  THEIR or THERE is not an acronym for THEY ARE. 

At this point, YOU'RE either thinking, this sh*t drives me crazy TOO or YOU'RE thinking I may be calling you out because YOUR spelling is so bad.  Can you guess what the next words are?

YOUR is is also a possessive adjective.  It is used to describe something that belongs to YOU.  IT IS YOURS. (While we are on it. YOURS, should never read YOUR'S.)
Then YOU'RE, again, YOU ARE. YOU'RE really explaining this?  Yes I am, how is YOUR spelling?

Any of my teachers out there have a lesson they'd like to leave in the comments?

IT'S BAAACK! - THE LOVE JOURNAL

As a prelude to my post tomorrow of people and their spelling errors, today I have decided to do some digging and re-introduce to you, the LOVE JOURNAL!  I don't know if it's the start of Summer or the continuation of numbness to spelling errors, but there will be a spelling lesson tomorrow and I invite you today to comment on words that drive you insane that people can not spell.  We shall see if we know the same illiterate people.

TO ENJOY: Click Below!

THE LOVE JOURNAL

BLACK AND WHITE

For the most part everything in life either is something or it isn't.  There is always a simple answer to something, but people seem to need an explanation as to why.  Why? Because they are too stupid to see the reason or they just refuse to believe it is that simple.  People always feel the need to provide an excuse for a situation or some sort of reasoning, but it all comes down to the same outcome.  It's how the justice department handles most things, you're either guilty or your not.  They don't really care why you did something, just more or less if you did it. 

People who make excuses a lot are destined to be failures and I firmly believe that.  Those who think great of themselves and put their best foot forward do not need to reason with those that do not understand.

Are you an excuse-a-holic?  I'm sure we at least all know one. If you find yourself making certain excuses for certain things - vices, working out, eating, being lazy, crappy work ethic or just being a bad person - then cut the crap or just accept it and stop excusing yourself. 

"Several excuses are always less convincing than one. "~Aldous Huxley, Point Counter Point


"Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure." ~Don Wilder and Bill Rechin

"No one ever excused his way to success. "~Dave Del Dotto

"There is no such thing as a list of reasons.  There is either one sufficient reason or a list of excuses."  ~Robert Brault

"One of the most important tasks of a manager is to eliminate his people's excuses for failure." ~Robert Townsend


"Bad men excuse their faults; good men abandon them. " ~Author Unknown


"Justifying a fault doubles it." ~French Proverb

CHRISTMAS MORNING

It's not very often in your adult life that you get the feeling of waking up Christmas morning (when you still believed in Santa) to find a magical and ear to ear smiling feeling.  Today I get to have that feeling for 9 hours on a plane to go see my amazing boyfriend.  I've been looking forward to this day for months now, as do kids with Santa and I'm surely confident that there won't be any coal in my stocking. 



A long distance relationship is probably the worst one there is.  It's not ideal, it's not easy and it's certainly not for everyone.  You feel crazy, emotional and definitely lonely, but this is the time that makes the entire thing worth it.  The hug I get when I get off that plane will be better than any hug anyone could ever give me on a daily basis.  Truly appreciating what you have when you are with that person is what your time spent together is and not taking a moment for granted.  Things in likfe that you truly want are not easy to get and this realtionship has been a proving fact in that and it's work just like everything else worth having.

Soo..just like I did when I was 5, I will be going to bed early so that I can wake up in excitement for what the day has to bring.  Santa Baby...so hurry down the chimney tonight.

ANTI HALLMARK SEGMENT

I've stopped buying cards for people because they are a waste of money.  If I really wanted to say what the card said then I would write it down on a piece of paper or actually say it to the receiver.  $4?  I'd rather add up all the money from all the cards I could give them, and hand them a big fat check. Which would you rather? 

This whole realization happened when the Greeting Card Nazi at Walgreens told me that my card envelope did not match the envelope I was suppose to have with it.  Well...we can't have that can we?  After all I'm sure EVERY card in that store is purchased and others would be very upset about their envelope.  I told the woman I would not buy the card without that envelope because it is the one I wanted, so I left empty handed.  It was a throw down...she was very upset by my immature actions of "switching envelopes".

There are a few occassions when I will splurge on a card, but I'm determined to find a better money or gift card holder then a three dollar and 99 cent,  folded piece of cardboard with a pretty picture on it and some cursive font that makes it look more meaningful.

Sympathy cards I will always send because you never know what people are going through at that time.  It is a very emotional moment so a hallmark card with some perfect words may be exactly what that person needs.  Once in awhile I will come across the Perfect Card, a hilarious highlight to an inside joke that really hits the nail on the head, and I'll cave and buy it.  This is a very rare occasion and usually I find them at Target, believe it or not.
Weddings, of course because it is just easier as well as big functions like Bah Mitzvahs and Graduations.
So far I have found some pretty awesome placeholders of cards for occasions that just don't make sense to buy them.
Thank You - If someone has really gone out of there way or would appreciate it, it's probably worth sending a short note.

Baby Showers - Book for the baby, signed with love and a few words on the inside
Bridal Showers - A frame with some advice or words of marital wisdom and your John Hancock in place of the picture.  You can also just cut out a piece of paper and do the same, tie it to the bag.
Kids Birthdays - a tag, used by the same wrapping paper would be fine.  The kid's not even going to remember who gave it to them even if there is a card.
Adult Birthdays - Buy them a drink instead. You will have NO resistance against this.
Holidays - Really?  I mean maybe Mother's or Father's Day if you are ungracious enough to not get them an actual gift, but a hug, kiss, or dessert of some sort will usually do.
Valentine's Day?  I'd rather a $4 candy bar or a sundae or seriously....just do the dishes and vacuum.  You're probably more likely to get some that way.


So...I've stopped with cards, and to my surprise, no one has cared. It seems to be a win-win.  I mean what do you do with cards anyways, Unless they are in pencil, you can't reuse them.  So, here is my poem to you Hallmark.

I'd spend too much time in your isle,
To read the same cards as last year,
The one where I pick on their age and their eyesight,
Then a "do what you want" on your Birthday cheer.
I know they are nice, but I have to be crass,
To me, greeting cards are a pain in the ass,
Always falling over and overstaying their time,
Charging over a dollar, should just be a crime.
So for your baby? A book.
On Thanksgiving, we'll just eat,
And on your birthday,
Your next shot? My treat!
As far as Special Days,
I'll hand deliver your surprise,
If you're confused as to who's it's from,
Then open your eyes!
$4 is way too much,
Have you watched TV?
That could buy a week's food,
For that child, starving and 3.
Now that'd be a present, saving a life.
I don't think Snoopy on Shoebox, is quite so nice.
My foot is down. I'm out of this trap.
I'm done with your overpriced, words on paper crap.

BLOG REDEMPTION: Captain Obvious

I'm soooo excited to unveil a new addition to the blog.  I'm definitely riding off of the coat tails of a very popular Tosh.O "Web Redemption"  and I'm actually not sure if this will be a huge failure or not, but I will continue to hound people until they do respond, so...no blog is safe and we'll see. Hopefully everyone can see that this is simply a joke and not to be taken too seriously, but we will see who sheds a tear first...First up:

Oh I love when I find a blog titled: "The Perfect Male Blog"( feel free to check it out http://www.theperfectmaleblog.com/ )  I could just run with this one all day long and now have material in case I ever get stumped forever.  He lists the 10 Things That Men Should Know About Women.  I'll list the link so you can read them thoroughly if you so choose (http://bit.ly/k4GwW6 ). 

Anyways...#1 is that we are emotional.  No shit Sherlock.   He says in arguments a man's best bet is to just calm things down.  Well...Jack Foley and Martin Redford, or jack and ass as I will call you...we are emotional because we are exhausted.  You slugs lay around most of the day and do nothing while we not only work and carry out our social lives, but any additional event, happy moment in life or something that involves a decision, just piles more work on top of US.  So maybe, just maybe...if you could possibly fathom folding your clothes while you watch the game, or better yet vacuuming or just all around doing something during commercials maybe even...then we would not be so "emotional " and might slightly care about your opinion around a place where you contribute nothing.  So you're damn right we're emotional, it's because we are exhausted...your best bet is actually to start doing something around wherever you might stand IMMEDIATELY!

I'm actually going to quote their #2 Women Have a Wild Side, to the tee and then we can just make a comment about how neither of them have probably ever been laid.  "If you play your cards right you might get a chance to unveil this aspect of women which all of us yearn profoundly. The key to this approach is to try to work on an impulse and if timing is right, we might get exactly what we want. Note that when getting this side of women, most of them reach limits that even they might even be surprised they had."  I just can not spend any more time on this one.

#3 is essentially somewhat true stating that we like details and mostly we would be happy just to know that the men we are with aren't so completely self involved that they can remember to do the things that we do for them "once in awhile".  It does go along way... however #4 Women Like It When Men Lead, just goes back to #1.  We like it when you make a decision because we are exhausted and just do not want to play a guessing game.  Just pick, since you are like children where you say you don't care and then we have to listen to you bitch all night long when really we would rather be drinking wine, watching bad reality TV, with a People's Magazine in our hands and you rubbing our backs.  Instead...this is what most women see happening when we let you choose the place. The food takes too long at the restaurant you picked, since you insisted, because JackAss over here told you that's what we wanted, you didn't make a reservation and now we are feeding you, like a 5 year old, the snacks we packed in our purse since we KNEW this would happen, while we watch you play Angry Birds until your temper tantrum subsides and then you eat as fast as you can, rush home to fart and snore on the couch while you watch their third re-cap of the game on Sportscenter that you just checked on your phone, while not speaking the entire ride home.


In #5 they go on to tell the desperate male population that women are insecure.  Agreed! The part I do not agree with is that he tells men to humor us once in awhile by making us feel good.  Well if that's the case then ladies...I invite you to actually humor YOURSELVES as well once in awhile and just tell your man the changes he could "stand to see".  His beer gut, the dirt in his fingernails is disgusting if he would like it to go south of anywhere and thirdly..."Yes babe, you are balding and it's not cute".
 
There's a few I will just combine since they are a waste of a Top 10. 
#6 Women believe in Love at First Sight - I don't even know where they received that retarded information.
#8 Women get Periods - Well..anyone who had a mother, sister ,or possibly watched any TV in any part of their lives could catch onto this one Einstein.  "Maybe I was PMSing when I wrote this post."  If you're going to write something like that then let men know that the absolute worst thing they can EVER say, even if we admit to it, or say it is, "Do you have your period again?"  Don't get me started on the dramatics of a man when he is even slightly sick...forget cramps, headache, bloating, hormones, weight gain, nausea and fatigue EVERY month.
#9 Women Like Surprises - Who the F doesn't? Run up to a stranger, a male even, tell him, surprise I got you a penny.  I picked it out just for you.  He's not going to be mad about it!
#10 Women like it when things JUST Happen - refer to #9 JackAss. Who doesn't?
 
I skipped #7 because it is just too good to pass up - Women Like to Test the Men They Like - Newsflash!  We test everyone!  Mostly we aren't testing you we are just literally asking you to do what we want, you're just too stupid to figure it out or too selfish to want to do it so dumbfounded, you think "Is this a test?"  Well if it is JackAss - You've Failed! 
 
You don't know women because most of us don't know ourselves completely...Times are changing and if I were you I'd consider a very serious update if not a complete confession to not knowing shit about Women.  So, are you up for your Blog Redemption JackAss?

TOP 10 FRIDAY: Office Aerobics

The office spread, the corporate 15, fat ass incorporated.  If you sit in a desk for quite a few hours a day, have a kitchen there and work with anyone else who eats...you know what I'm talking about.  I believe my office to be the worst of the worst in the feeding frenzy department...some would call it a perk or a benefit, but I, who have no will power to countless candy bars, options of 100 calorie snacks, ice cream sandwiches, freeze pops and birthday celebrations monthly with ice cream and cake, call it A FAT CAMP.

Since I can't say no to bottomless amounts of yummy treats then I need to find a way to work for them, or work them off while my fat behind enjoys its cushiony layer that my lack of will power is creating.  Below..some Office Exercise tips, I suggest getting a partner involved...that way you don't look like an asshole to those skinny co-harts that don't gain a lb, yet..."don't like vegetables or anything not slobbered in fried grease and ranch dressing".

1.  Walk/Gym at lunch - This is probably the easiest solution as it gets you out of any office lunch temptations and once you lay off the "it's too hot, or I don't have time" excuses...you will see it helps.

2.  Hallway lunges - You want that delicious cookie?  Well then lunge your way all the way to the kitchen and back to get it. Better yet, only allow yourself half the cookie, and lunge back with the other leg to get the other half...fatty.

3. Your chair - Posture and balance are a huge part of working out.  They have chairs to help you with that as seen here.

4.  Copier/Fax Squats - You don't need many squats to be effective, you just need to do them correctly.  While you're waiting for your copies or your fax make sure to do a few, watch your form, and while you're at it, you might as well wait for the fax confirmation too.

5.  Bring in small weights.  You can do bicep curls, shoulder raises, and exercises for your triceps while you're at your desk.  No one is saying you have to get ready and bring your whole set of dumbbells - dumbbell!  A 5 lb weight should do.

6.  Stretching and Balance - Every hour as much as possible, stand-up, stretch for two minutes and then try to do some balancing moves like this one.

7.  Desk push-ups - Because there's no reason not to.  These can actually be done on any table, wall, file cabinet, or stop being a baby and just do them on the floor.

8.  Chair Crunches - Now this exercise is obviously all about tightening your core and really feeling the burn in your abs more than throwing your legs around, but summer is here, and if you are still unbuttoning your pants after that huge lunch, you need to do something.

9.  Stand while you talk on the phone.  Unless you're on the computer and even so, you can bend over...you do not need to be sitting in that chair to talk.

10.  I work best when I'm pushed so find a friend, or just a plain old jerk in your office and have them ridicule you when you are slacking off.  Good ole guilt always does the trick!

Happy Fat Burning Corporate America!

POTTY COMMITTEE

LADIES!!!!  Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Ladies! What is up with your filthy nasty dirty little bathroom habits? 
There are things that are common courtesy for a public bathroom and then there are just plain things you should be doing as a sanitary human being.  Lately I have been finding the most disgusting bathrooms in the most surprising places. 
I was at a restaurant for lunch during the week and the entire room smelt like urine and had tp all over the floor. What's the deal?  If you want to make a pig pen, make a mess of your own house.  I have the bladder of a 5 year old and I'd like to not feel like I just caught something while using the Lou.
I would not be surprised, yet still not expect some of the behavior I've seen from these little piggy men in their watering hole's, but come on!
Some rules to live by...and if you don't already do them you are probably gross so PLEASE, for the love of cleanliness abide by them!

Poop or pee on the seat is unacceptable! Always! Wipe it off...clean it up...and yes you should carry purel or wet ones most of the time for these purposes, but if not, at least others won't have to look at it.  If you are thinking right now that you do not want to sit on a toilet seat someone has peed on then check into reality my friend. Squat or cover the seat with TP/toilet bowl tissue liners.

Look in the toilet after you flush to make sure it's all down.  I don't get showing you my business...I'd rather NOT see yours.

Spray (if it's available) preferably prior.  We all know what you are doing anyways...we'd prefer to smell "Ocean Breeze" then your stanky bum.

Tampons go in the box or trash.  Don't ruin a stall for the rest of us. 

WASH YOUR HANDS and I mean with the soap and actually wash them. Turning the faucet on and running them real quick in not washing them. Gross!

Support your public restroom and stop being a pig!  Relieving ourselves is gross enough, we don't need to partake in others relieving themselves as well.  Feel free to Post this in any bathroom, it has been approved by the Potty Committee - their mission is: "We Otty see it with no P".

ILLOGICALITY

I've decided that everyone has the right to be completely illogical in their decision making.  How can one person possibly be upset at the other for doing what they want to do?  Be prepared for the consequences of your illogical behaviors of course, but screw it, you only live once...do what you want. 

DECLUTTERING LIFE

I have so much crap in this house.  Not Hoarders A&E style, but most definitely have a lot of stuff.  I'm finding that my major excuses are that of what this month's REAL SIMPLE magazine has listed as reasons.  There are 6, but I would say mostly I love by 3 of them when it comes to the reasons for my clutter. 

1)  If someone gave me something or it has meaning I feel guilty about getting rid of it.  A gift, a stupid and I repeat stupid, wedding or baby shower favor or a memoir of some sort.  From now on, if I'm not using it, I'm tossing it.  Two words...cash and candy.  That way no one's feelings get hurt.
 
2) If I give something away I want it to go to a good home.  You know the saying "One man's junk in another man's treasure".  Well most pirates and treasure hunters make it known that they are looking for something so from no on, unless someone makes it known they are looking for something...buh bye junk.
 
3)  I'm going to need it or it will be worth something later. I've never really needed something I have gotten rid of and if I do, I'm over it in a minute.  
 
So...if you're like me...apply the above.  I have large bags of clothes, a bag of shoes, handbags and accessories, and a bunch of kitchen crap to get rid of in May alone.  Happy DeCulttering!

GOOD TO KNOW

Isn't it sweet when you find out someone who you don't agree with or like...reads your blog, checks your facebook or anything of the sort.  Just found that out this weekend.  Gotta say it feels good.  The idiot actually thinks I write thinking people are going to care what I have to say.  News flash...this blog is for me.  I write about what I want to write about and people who read it, well they read it because they want to. 

Don't let anyone get in your way of doing anything you want to do.  If they were doing anything they wanted to do, they wouldn't have time to worry about what you were doing anyways...and that "my friend" was for you.

THE BARE MINIMUM

People need water, air and food to live, but since we are not stranded on an island or fending for our lives, our lists look slightly different than that. I'm dubbing this the bare minimum. Since we all have good days and bad days, I've been trying to figure out how I can better predict, and then consequently make sure I will have a good day as much as possible. Ideal right?


What do you need to survive on a daily basis? I'm sure every one's list will look different, as we all have much different lives. Try to think up a few of the realistic things you need on a daily basis to get yourself through the day, hopefully with a smile (unless you're just a miserable person), and life might seem a little simpler. REALISTIC is the key here. Most of these things are probably daily habits or occurrences you don't even recognize as necessities, but that's where taking things for granted comes into play.

Is it a morning cup of coffee? A smile from your kid or wag of your dog's tail? A laugh at the morning comics or daily joke? This blog (doubtful, lol) ? A kiss from your hunny? Some sort of mental stimulation or learned knowledge? A workout? Partaking in a hobby like gardening or working on a car?

If you could guarantee yourself your list everyday, the how bad could life really be from day to day? Figure out YOUR bare minimums, then stock up! Word to the wise, keep your list around 7, any higher I'd go with officially labeling yourself high maintenance.

WHAT TODAY MEANS

Today is a Great Day for America!  It's a historical moment, a victory and another chance to unite as a country.  The news will try to spin this for politics, people that do not get what this country and people fighting for us have endured will try to shrug it off and this will be milked and prodded for every ounce until there's nothing left to discuss.  Osama's death is not going to end all the problems for this world, but for today...for me anyways...I'm going to try to void out all the bullshit and be thankful. 

Thankful for our troops, both men and women.  This is quite a victory for them.  They have spent countless deployments, trainings, lost friends and limbs, risked their lives and been separated from their family and friends.  Although they know their continual efforts and victories...this one spreads throughout our country.

Thankful for peace to the family and friends of those lost on 9/11.  Although Osama's death will not bring their loved ones back, some of these people will be able to sleep better knowing he isn't alive and breathing.  Everyone copes differently and for those who do best this way...I'm thankful for their strength.

Thankful for good news!  America and the world needed something positive. After waking up to natural disasters happening one after another...finally a news story to feel good about.

Feeling blessed to be part of such a victorious day in history today! God Bless America!

THE MOMENT

People spend a lot of their time thinking about the past and the future.  The past, for the most part, a waste of time to harp on.  The future, well....we all needs goals, but spend some time living in the moment.  I challenge YOU all day to try living in your moment.  Feel your feelings whether they be anger, excitement, sadness, fear - embrace them.  Taste your food, mean what you say and think about every moment. 
It'll be really hard to not feel alive while all this is going on.  I know that sounds simple, but we get so caught up in our motions of day to day life, especially during the week, that sometimes it seems like we are robots. 
Just for a day....how do you feel?

SHAME ON ME

Ahhhh.....my last blog post was weeks ago.  The further I got from it, the more unmotivated I was to write, so here is my attempt to get the wheel spinning again.  Minus the distraction of my boyfriend being home for a month and living here, quite a lot has happened in 3 weeks, so as you can imagine I have a lot to bitch about.

I'm currently dealing with the struggles of getting my house on the market (which has been quite the reality check) and with that comes cleaning out this entire house...Holy Shit!  I have  lot of stuff!  Moving within a year to who knows so I can start the next part of my life is scary and exciting all at the same time...mostly scary!  More on that to come... 

What I have realized is that life does not make it easy to get the things you want.  It can be money, a job, something materialistic, love, happiness or really anything...  We need to work hard so that we know we deserve them and when we do get them, it'll be well worth it.  So shame on me for doubting mother nature in her challenges of a walk in the park.  Wish me luck!

COMMIT TO WRITING

Since I found so many of the "50 Scientifically Proven Ways to be Persuasive" by Robert B. Cialdini to be interesting I'm dedicating yet another blog post to one of them. No. 17 to be exact, which is "Writing things down improves commitment." The example was that: Group A was asked to volunteer on AIDS awareness program at local schools, and was asked to commit verbally. Group B was asked for the same kind of volunteer project, but was given a simple form to fill in. 17% of volunteers from Group A actually showed up to their assigned local school. From Group B 49% of volunteers showed up.

This goes to prove part of the whole "SECRET" philosophy for anyone who has read the book.  Writing down a commitment or goal helps you commit to it or keep your eye on the prize.  Without having something to physically look at it is hard, with everyday thoughts getting in the way to stay focused or better yet, to have a reminder of the things you wanted to do.

I am a firm believer in lists, it helps me to stay focused as well as gives me a checklist of what I'd like to get done.  Then again I believe I suffer from ADD and the slightest things can distract me, so writing down what is important keeps my mind going forward rather then drifting off to the next thing.

The take away from this: writing something down is a way of further committing yourself and taking responsibility.  Keep lists, make notes on your phone and better yet...if you  have employees or children or friends that you are looking for a commitment of a task from, have them write it down.  It' one more step to ensure everyone stays honest.

POR FAVOR

There is a book called "50 Scientifically Proven Ways to be Persuasive" by Robert B. Cialdini. I read a re-cap on the 50 today and found myself in awe with at least 15 of them. Number 13 is "As Time goes by, the value of a favor increases in the eyes on the favor-giver, and decreases in the eyes of the favor-receiver." Well ain't that some bologna!


The re-cap consisted of this "Researchers asked a group of people in the random office environment to exchange favors and then rate the value of the given/received favor in their eyes. A few weeks later the same employees were reminded of the favor, and asked to evaluate the favor again. Favor-givers consistently assigned higher value to a given favor, while as the time passed by, favor-receivers tended to assign lower value to the received favor."

Well, I'm a big favor-doer and I like helping others. I'm quick to volunteer to help and I genuinely do not think much, if any of anything in return. This sort of mentality makes me re-think who it is I'm going to help in the future. Luckily I've already had the not giving a shit attitude as part of my new year's resolution so I'm off to a good start.

What this proves to me is a few things. Most definitely the "What have you done for me lately" attitude is applied by everyone, even on a personal level. That people will always be fighting an uphill battle because society holds on to negativity much longer than they do positives.

Then finally that people, by nature are forgetful.

As the favor giver you have given your time, thought, maybe money, maybe more...but you have given (hopefully unselfishly) to someone else. As humans we enjoy recognition when we do something good or nice, it shouldn't be the motive behind it, but it would be unrealistic to deny wanting a pat on the back. As the favor receiver... well we wouldn't have asked if there wasn't some chance that the person would say yes, would we? and hell...people are still good right? So of course as time passes we will be on to the next thing, slightly remembering the favor, but onto other importance's in our life. After all the receiver receives, and we as humans are much more likely to emotionally connect losing something, then gaining. They say thank you in the moment, maybe send a thank you card or give a phone call to thank again the next day, but then are on to the next chapter.

So take form this what you will. When you're the giver...be happy that they said thank you at all I guess, and if you need a pat on the back then think twice about whom you do favors for. As the receiver....we gotta lot of work to do here. Say thank you of course, expect to return the favor if possible and most importantly in a week or so...follow-up with another thank you. The bigger the favor, the larger the thank you obviously.

ARE YOU LINKEDIN?

LinkedIn may not be as fun as Facebook, but if you're a professional, in any sense...it can't hurt.  you're achievements, experience and interests are all in your profile for the subscribers to view and it's what I can best describe as an online resume.  If you haven't checked out my most recent Newsletter on the post http://bitchsesh.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-marketing-newsletter.html  and read the top article on the new addition: LinkedIn today, then I suggest a quick click.


If you're an intern, an aspiring anything, a teacher, a nurse, a doctor and most definitely any office job you need to sign up immediately.  Network, Browse and get involved with others in your industry.  You're already 5 steps behind. http://www.linkedin.com/  Get to work!

MY MARKETING NEWSLETTER

So....I also have a Newsletter.  I'm a huge nerd when it comes to Marketing and Advertising.  Below are issues 1-5 with the links.  Keep in mind the first dates back to January so some of this may be old and off date (aka. Superbowl ads), but I think you'll enjoy them.

  The latest ISSUE 5:
   http://bit.ly/eGTX78


ISSUE 1
http://scr.bi/dQe4z9

ISSUE 2
http://scr.bi/dTMwEU

ISSUE 3
http://scr.bi/iiLiAW

ISSUE 4
http://scr.bi/gi1PO9

SPRING SMILES

Not only is the weather getting nicer, but so is humanity!  Spring has an effect on humankind and it is wearing off on everyone, from what I can notice anyways.  No one is saying that we have found the secret to World Peace or anything (beauty pageant contestants rest at ease knowing your goals are still reachable), but boy is it nice to see smiles.
People were miserable this winter and I'm hoping we are in the clear from that for a few months.  Even the Northeast is allowed a few cranky weeks, but let's look forward to flowers, ocean breezes and longer days.  Try to laugh and smile as much as possible and when you do, notice it's contagious.  Experiment with some patience, dabble in doing nice things for people and you'll be surprised at what Karma has to offer you.  For the time being, let's say goodbye to snow shoveling, tight rope walking down the ice on the driveway and five layers just to get the chill out.  Hello Spring!  We've needed you...people have had their panties in a twist and it's time for a change.

Smile!

CO-ED BABY SHOWERS

Awhile ago I was asked to do a post on these and I really didn't know how I felt about them, since women have never really had the choice to go or not.  After much thought I'm going to have to agree with the person who emailed me and say that this is just a horrible idea for everyone. 
First of all, mothers to be....no man, not even your man, wants to sit through one of these. I barely want to sit through one of these.  So, since I"m sure someone I know will be offended because they have had one, or were thinking about it, I've decided to list some rules if you are planning on having a co-ed baby shower...although I think you're crazy.

1) You need alcohol, no doubt about this.  I'm not talking about a fruity punch or mimosas, you better have access to beer and it better be open bar.

2) Don't even think about playing any stupid games like don't say baby, or how many inches is my belly.  The only games that should be going on is the one in another room where you have provided a tv for the men to frequently check the score of the game. They don't think the games are cute, no matter what they say they do not want to be here.

3) The gifts for the guests?  Better not be some cute little candle or a bunch of candy covered almonds wrapped in a baby basket with a stork.  You want a co-ed shower - EVERYTHING needs to be co-ed friendly.

4) Lots of food, and lots of meat.  The huge fruit salad and a few croissants is not going to cut it.

5) Be prepared for every single one of these men to probably say bad things about you all day and into the next week.  No male is going to leave and say "That was such a great shower, I can't wait to go to my next one."

6) If you have this on Sunday during football season, a weekend when there is a Yankees/Red Sox match-up or during any sport's playoffs.  You're asking to be hated.

7) Learn to unwrap presents quickly, and hope that your grandmother doesn't care that you are not passing around the blanket she hand crocheted for the baby.  This is why these events are not for men.

Are you getting it?  This is a horrible idea.  I would never drag my man to one of these things...I don't care if you are my best friend, my sister, my cousin, my mother.  If you have had one please enlighten me on the reason it was Co-Ed?

TOP 10 FRIDAY: A QUICK GUIDE TO NETWORKING

I don't care what you do! Regardless of if you are in sales, or you are a librarian, networking is a skill everyone needs.  We've all heard the saying: "It's about who you know". Well, who you know most definitely helps.  That and not being a complete dumbass!  Below are 5 reasons you're horrible at networking and another 5 on how to hone in on your already practiced networking skills. You never know...after this post you just might get a foot on the path in the right direction or at least discover that the reason you suck really is "Just You"!

YOU SUCK AT NETWORKING IF:

10.  YOU ONLY HANG AROUND WITH PEOPLE YOU FEEL COMFORTABE WITH.   Meeting people and networking is about stepping out of your comfort zone.

9.  YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING/ YOU'RE NOT INTERESTING.  How do you expect to meet people when you don't do anything? If you have nothing to say or anything worth listening to, it's for a reason...You Suck!

8.  YOU'RE A LIAR. - Lying always comes back to bite you in the ass.  If you have to tell a lie to sound better, you're not fooling anyone in the long run.

7.  YOU'RE NEGATIVE - You complain, woe is you, life is about what you were handed and how bad it
sucked,  the weather is crappy AGAIN, and most importantly... others constantly feel bad for you?  People arn't going to want to socialize with you more, they are thinking of how to get rid of you so they can move on with living their not so depressing lives.

6.  YOU ARE SELFISH - See #1 below on why this trait is bad if it's something you've been told more than once.

IMPROVE YOUR NETWORKING SKILLS BY:

5. SMILE AND DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY. - It's life! Unless you're at a funeral (then we need a post on inappropriate times to network) then be happy you're alive and meeting new people.  You never know what they will bring to the table and what you can learn from each other.

4.  LISTEN - It's not all about you here, I know, shocking!

3.  KNOW YOUR 5 MOST INTERESTING STORIES. - No two people are alike and there are definitely some characters out there, but everyone loves a good story.  Know yours and conversation will never be hard.

2.  BE CONFIDENT. - There's something that everyone does really well.  If it's what line of work you are in, being a mother/father, playing a sport or working out. Maybe you just know a lot of interesting people.  You do have things to say that other people do not know.  If you're prepared, (#3) then you should be confident.  People are confident in you, when you're confident in yourself.

1. DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE FIRST. - I saw this on someone's twitter status the other day (again, sorry I don't know who) and it inspired this entire post.  Networking is about what you bring to the table.  If you walk around wondering what everyone else can do for you, you're not going to get very far. 

I'd like to think I'm good enough at networking to qualify in writing this post.  I thoroughly enjoy meeting new people, I love learning about their life experiences and most importantly I love doing what I can to make a mark in people's lives...or at least be a memory for a moment. 

Happy Friday!

THE DENTIST

I love my dentist.  I've been going to that office for more than 20 years.  My family goes there, the same woman is still at the front desk and it's like they are part of my family.  I don't like how talkative my dental hygienist has become.  It's not so much that she's talking, it's that she's talking and not working.  I don't have all day to clear my schedule for a teeth cleaning....not that it needs to be rushed, or that it needs to be formal, but I believe there need to be some guidelines. 

I have a few friends in the ever so competitive dental hygiene school so I ask you....are you taught  "proper techniques for casual conversation" during routine visits in any of your studies?  If you are, my hygienist has clearly forgotten them.  I'm by no means upset with her, I just think that my dentist needs to have a refresher course on if you're talking (especially about yourself) keep on workin lady!  The only time instruments and tools should be taking a break is when I have to answer, which should not be often....clearly an addition to my Dental visit Rules Book.  i can't be alone on this one....am I?

I'VE MADE UP MY MIND

Well....I've sort of made up my mind.  There is so much to do now that it is getting nice out that I don't know what to choose first.  Normally it is something practical and boring like exercise or cleaning, but instead of pondering all day, I've decided to roll the dice.

Not literally dice, but if I write the things down that I could do, place them in a hat and draw names just like back in the day, I will have my decisions made for me.  I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I make decisions all day, I just want someone to make my decision for me."  Well then, I believe we have a system here.  I can't wait to have a decision to make...life for me just became so simple.

THE TWO STEP

There are two major steps to becoming successful at doing great things, and by great things I mean putting ideas to work, projects, changes and processes.  Everyone gets an idea from time to time and what sets the successful apart from the rest of the pack is first and foremost:

 STEP 1.   STARTING
  I can't even begin to imagine how many ideas have been overlooked because they were never started due
  lack of motivation or planning.  If you want to do something you have to make the first step to doing it.

Then the equally important second half of being successful is:

STEP 2: FOLLOWING THROUGH
People start things all the time, but it is continuing, pushing through, overcoming obstacles and  growing your ideas that really make this work.  Without Step 1 there is no Step 2, and without Step 2, well you might end up just looking like a jerk with a good idea.

These both seem like common sense and simple enough concepts...but why do people continue to struggle with both.  Making changes and doing new things is never easy...but easy is boring.  Get started..take a step.
 

THANK DOG!

I am admittedly all over the place. Anyone else?  I try to have structure, but I even have a job where day to day is different and what seemed to be a day I thought I had under control, can go from 0 to 60 in seconds, and often.  If your life is anything like mine you are constantly trying to organize it and miserably failing.  Sure, you go to work Monday through Friday and you shower every morning, your routine in the shower may be similar from day to day, but have you ever tried to incorporate a daily practice to be more organized or productive?  Did it work?  Any advice?

I've tried to keep a planner, in case I begin to forget things, which surprisingly I do a better job at keeping it all in my head then getting it in any sort of calendar, but I will use it a few times a month, then forget I have it for the rest of the year.  I think the point is you're suppose to use it everyday, right?

I make charts and personal expense trackers, they go unused and once I place a list to the side and stop working on it, I might as well just throw it in the garbage.

The one thing that has calmed my life down and given it more structure is something so basic, my dog.  It may be okay for me to be on a messed up schedule, but I can't be responsible for messing up Brody's little happy life.  Obviously he eats on his schedule and all that, but it's nice to know that his actions, size, and even demeanor will remain the same, regardless of how crazy my life gets.  I don't have kids yet so I can't compare the two, but I'd like to give a shot out to Man/Woman's Best Friend on this post.  To Brodster and his K-9 kin, THANK DOG for you!   

The Brodster...

His Neighbor and PIC...Cali

Ms. Lola and Brodus

Dexter...the terror

Brody's baby buddy...Jenny

The one and only Mr Pacey.

ARE YOU TIRED GIRL?

"Cause you been runnin through my mind all day!"  Maybe not quite their mind, but definitely running ALL DAY!  Why is it that I, We, Us as a society are always in a rush?  I get not wanting to be late and all, but what about a casual dinner at a restaurant, a nice coffee on Sunday at Starbucks, or even sitting in traffic, pissed off when really in no rush to get anywhere.
This is the one life we get and it seems like we are all in a race to get somewhere.  The only finish line is death people.  You may not be one of the "We's" in this, in fact you may be the opposite, doing everything like a lazy slug, but that's a post for another day.  We need to slow down.  Everyone Chill the F Out!  Be more observant so you can enjoy life.

If you are in kindred spirit in this sprint of life that we are running, I hope like me, you will at least try to slow down.  Enjoy the food you eat, the people that surround you and the things you have the privilege of doing everyday, that others may not.  Most people just need to give themselves permission to slow down.  Life will continue on and it will be much more voluminous and enjoyable.

So hurry up and start now!


Now this is enjoying life.....

A GAME OF CHANCE

Someone in my Facebook feed had a quote the other day (I can't remember who sorry): "I believe in Second Chances and Last Chances. Unfortunately, most people don't recognize the difference between the two until it's too late." 

This stuck with me for two reasons.  The first being that you're not always going to get a second chance so don't bank on it in life, and if you do you should run with it and make it all you can, otherwise why waste everyone else's time.  It will or at least should be your last chance.

The second because second chances say a lot about both sides of the parties that are involved.  On the giving side it shows patience, forgiveness and hope.  Then depending on what is done with the second chance for the taker it shows commitment, enlightenment and determination. 

Second chances done the right way can be very powerful.  By human nature we are all going to screw up, but that's how we learn lessons and it's what we do with those that make us the people we are today.  So give a second chance when it's warranted, and don't make your second chance your last chance. 

DO ME JUST ONE FAVOR

I dont' really ask much from people.  I mostly just tell jokes, and express my experiences, but for anyone who does read this...could you please just comment on my post instead of on my Facebook wall so others can see it. (You can even do it Anonymously).  You see there is a point in having a blog and it is not create discussion...entertain...engage...and maybe someday make money off of lal those things.  So...it is my request that if you have something to say, please do it.  Defend me, Offend me, Suggest a Topic...amuse me will ya?

TOP 10 FRIDAY: POOPS - Courtesy of JDP

Okay I was stumped on what to write so my very giving other half offered up his general knowledge of Shadoopie.  Do not read while eating!

10. Ghost Poopie - The kind of poop where you swear you pooped, but when you look to see if you pooped, NO POOP! (Why you lookin at your poop?)

9. The Clean Poopie - The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nada on the toilet paper.

8.  Wet Cheeks Poopie - The kind that comes out so fast your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

7.  Gee I wish I could Poopie Poopie - The kind where you want to poopie so bad, but all you do is sit on the crapper and fart a few times.

6.  Second Wave Poopie - This happens when you're done poopying and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realized you have to poopie some more.

5.  Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poopie - The kind where you strain so much to get it out your practically have a stroke.  this could leave you breathing heavily.

4.  The Dangling Poopie - The poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopying it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it lose.

3.  The Wet Poopie - the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you won't get skid marks.

2.  The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - The kind of poop that hits you when you're in your car in the middle of a traffic jam.

1.  The Lincoln Log Poopie - The kind of poopie that is so huge that you have to break it into little pieces with the toilet brush before flushing it.

So...that's all disgusting, but I write about girlie shit all the time...so here you go. Happy shitting! TGIP - Thank God For Pooping!

BORN THIS WAY

In honor of Miss Gaga and her recent album, "Born This Way", I dedicate this post that has absolutely nothing to do with her or her music whatsoever. 

For years now, especially after buying a house, I've been brought to the uneasy realization that I don't really know shit about shit.  I mean I know a little about a lot of things, and I know a ton of useless unimportant conversation topics, but when I break it down...none of it is of huge importance.

So who knows all the things I wish to know?  Men...I'm not sure if they are just born with the knowledge of car and home improvement handyman type shadoopie, or are handed a MANual, but I don't think it's fair.  Certainly I've learned my fair share of WTF to do home ownership situations, and I know a car part or two, but up until a week ago when I ran out of oil, I had no idea that my stove top (gas) did not require oil to work, I didn't really care.  Now, I'm slightly irritated.

Either all this knowledge is possessed in their man junk, which of course, women are not born with and us ladies are just going to have to deal with learning as we go OR all you fathers and dads to be can stop favoring sides and against our will, drag us away from our barbies (probably by using bribes to buy us more barbies) and show us some shit like you did our brothers and boyfriends and husbands and well...the general male population. 

This is no joke...I'm writing this with my POKER FACE!

TOP 10 FRIDAY: Traveling Nicknames

After being in the air and airports for 16 hours the past week I have come up with a few nicknames that I'd like to share for some travelers and passerbyers that I have encountered traveling the past few years.  I'm sure you've seen some of the same, but if not beware, and if you have more to add, please do.

10. The Eater - This is the person who seems to constantly be eating the entire time. Before pre-boarding, chewing on gum during boarding, takes out a snack as soon as they sit down and then continues to eat almost until the plane lands.  I wonder if they eat that much on a regular day.

9. The Lovers - This is the annoying couple that travels together and is constantly holding hands, constantly kissing and constantly feeling the need to express their love for one another in the confined area that everyone else is sharing.

8.  The Barbie - This chick just baffles me.  I like to be as comfortable as possible on a plane. Sweats, maybe jeans, sneakers, and a regular shirt.  The Barbie is dressed to go to out.  I get business class and all that, but they are clearly not flying that.  Full face of make-up, spent an hour on her hair...who has the time?

7.  The Patchouli's  - These are the jerks that wear so much perfume or cologne that you can't help but have watering eyes and a burning nostrils.  The reason I call them this is because if there is one vile smell in the world it is that of the hippie's, which is Patchouli.  I don't know who invented it or why they like it, but in the case of an airplane and traveling all strong scents make me feel just like that one does. Nauseous.

6.  Virgins - The douche who has never flown before, well not recently and is making an incredibly big scene and pissing everyone on the plane off because no one wants to listen to him or more importantly have a late take off due to his need for attention.  You bought the ticket, you came to the airport, now someone give them a Valium.

5.  The Mouth - This person desperately needs a friend, and you unfortunately just got stuck next to them for some hours of time.

4.  Octomom - The woman flying with her 2 or 3 out of control children.  Muzzles....I know, it's horrible...but stuck on a plane in the same row as them for 2 hours and you will have much worse thoughts than that.

3.  PIC - Partner in Crime, this is the person you want to sit next to you.  They bring their own DVD player with a movie, they eat like a normal person, maybe not even at all, have magazines to share and they get up to go to the bathroom at a decent rate so everyone is on the same page.  These are the people you pray to be around.

2.  Idlers/Cutters - These people piss me off. When the plane stops, we all know we need to get our carry ons and personal items, and be prepared to move when it's our rows turn. Not you idlers...you wait until everyone is giving you their full attention until you realize WTF is going on.("Oh, haha we're getting off, let me get my things" (Sure thanks asshole, the woman behind me just coughed on me 3 times while I was standing uncomfortably with my neck sideways waiting considerately so that everyone could hurry off the plane). Not to mention the Cutters behind me are sneaking their way up because THEY don't know what wait for your row means. Obviously someone has never been to church during communion.

1.  This one is worst of all.  I don't even have a name for these people and worst of all it doesn't happen on the plane, to give you the walk to Baggage Claim to cool off and realize you are fine because you have reached your destination and can breath.  It is the jerks AT BAGGAGE CLAIM.  Really? how close do you need to get to the belt to see your bag? Also, question...do you, your husband, your mother and father and your 2 children really need to look for the luggage?  If my bag swings and hits one of your 14 family members standing at the side leaning over as if you don't see it when it comes by you the magic wall it disappears into will eat it, I WILL NOT FEEL BAD, I will giggle, LOUDLY!

Ahhhh!  Traveling...I once told a friend...I need a travel machine...he told me: "You have one, your car!"  Beam me up Scotty!