WAITSTAFF? LISTEN UP

Being a former waitress, I have the authority to say this. LISTEN CAREFULLY...

I'm sure you're a great waiter/waitress and all.  I'm sure you know your menu by heart.   I've met you, and I've met your menu knowing skills....and you've come out with a dish that I, or someone at my table didn't order.  So please, take a moment to write our orders down. No one will frown upon you. No one will think you suck.  I believe people will appreciate the fact that you would like to get their order correct,  I know I would.

While we're at it...there's a two bite rule...after you've delivered my food, and I've had time to take two bites, come back and ask if I need anything, not 10 minutes later.

Also Smile!...You're getting tips you don't have to claim with the goverment. Bon Appetit!

TOP 10 FRIDAY: TRICKS EVERY PHOTOGRAPHER WISHES YOU KNEW BEFORE POSTING ON FACEBOOK by Diane Parsons

Oh Yay!  First off I love having guest bloggers, but secondly I really Love Love  today's guest blogger.  Diane Parsons from Parsons Photography first photographically swept me off my feet at my friend Sara's bridal shower, then again at her wedding.  She did my Boudoir pictures for my boyfriend back in February for Valentine's Day (BOUDOIR....OH LA LA) and since then, she's done quite a few more for some of my friends. 

Diane is super creative, a ton of fun to work with and I just can't say enough great things about her.  Coincidentally, she also has a blog, so to keep track of what she's been up to and where she's been, visit any of the following:

Facebook:  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Parsons-Photography/59993786070
Twitter: @parsonsphoto
Blog: http://www.parsonsphotoblog.org/


TOP 10 Tricks every photographer wishes people knew before posting photos on Facebook!

10.  A photo is flat…please remember that.  When your photo is taken, the camera essentially flattens you – so think of that when you’re posing.  If you stand face on, everything gets flattened.  If you stand at a 45 degree angle, you slim your hips, your tummy and accent your curves.

9  When taking a group photo, make sure the people on the ends are not leaning in.  If they can fit in the frame, ask them to stand up straight.  If they can’t fit, then have them crouch down in front.


8. Summer time is upon us – so are sleeveless tops.  Always make sure your elbow points

 away from the camera – when you point it towards the camera, your upper arm will appear short and/or fat (no matter what your size is)

Positioning elbows away from the camera

7. Self portraits – I love self portraits, they crack me up!  Just watch your neck – if you’re straining, it’ll show in the photos as nasty chicken neck!

Another self portrait, using a mirror in an elevator

6.  On the same line of self portraits – your arm is almost guaranteed to be in the shot.  With editing programs (like Photo Shop) being more readily available on cell phones, use it to crop the photo and take your arm out.



Self Portrait ;)



5. On the note of editing programs – don’t over edit!!  Sometimes it is fun to do a really crazy Picasso shot…sometimes it’s not.  Over saturated shots aren't appealing; black and white with just your eyes blue is just plain creepy; and too much glow makes you look like an apparition.



4.  FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS – just because you have an expensive camera doesn't mean every photo is going to be perfect.  I cringe when people post photos and give the information: “I shot this with a Canon 7D, 50mm f/1.8 lens, f/1.8, 250th of a second” but NOTHING is in focus.  That’s great that you bought a new toy – now learn how to use it!!  Yes, there is auto focus, but it’s not auto think.

Using selective focus to draw attention to the subject (but it IS in focus)

Coming down to a child's level.

3.  Don’t brag, there’s always someone better than you.  My favorite brag is “I shot this in Manual mode” – my 5 year old shoots in manual mode (seriously, she does…I put my 7D on a tripod and she knows what to do with the dials and manipulates the settings).  No one cares HOW you got the shot, just the fact that you got the shot!

2.  If you take photos of kids or pets, remember that they are much smaller than you.  Photograph at their level (sit on a chair, or sit on the floor).  When you stand up to look down to them, you smush them in the photo.  Come to their level to make them look “normal”

Animals at engagement

1.   DON’T SAY CHEESE…they call it a “cheesy” smile for a reason!  So many people come to me and complain that they don’t like their smiles – well, I don’t like mine when I say “cheese” too!!  Crack a joke or say something silly – I usually tell adults to say “peanut butter and jelly sandwich” – by the time they’re finished with that mouthful, they laugh…then I take the shot.  With kiddos, we tell silly jokes – cracks them up every time!

Thanks Diane for sharing some of your tips with us and thanks for being awesome! :)

A SPELLING BE(E)

Let me just start by stating that with the advances in technology I understand using Y(Why), U (You), phones misspelling and auto-correcting our words and definitely acronyms (OMG, WTF, b/c, etc). Updating statuses too soon, having a limited number of characters on your twitter updates and needing to text quickly have all taken away from the proper place for grammar and spelling.  I want to make it clear that these things are NOT what I am talking about.

If you are guilty of any of the following, and you know who you are because it shows all over your face book wall then please...pick up a dictionary!

Tomorrow is not spelt Tomarrow.  Not ever, not in any language or any sense of the way.  If you always spell it like this it's likely NOT a correction error on your phone.

The word TOO and TO are misspelled all the time.  If something is also, you are also doing something or there is a lot of something, it is TOO much.  If you aren't spelling it like that when used like that then you are guilty TOO.  When you go TO write the word next time, think about it, even if it hurts TOO much.

THERE refers to a place. I'm going THERE.  Look over THERE! THERE you are.  (Remember it like this kiddos, if you're not HERE, you're T-HERE. You should be able to use here in almost any place you can use there.
THEIR indicates a possession.  Is that THEIR house over THERE?   THEIR keys are right THERE.  Are you getting it?  THEIR can usually be replaced with OUR (remember EIR, kind of looks like OUR).
Finally they ever so unused and misused THEY'RE.  Let's just spell this out.  THEY ARE.  That's all you need to know.  THEIR or THERE is not an acronym for THEY ARE. 

At this point, YOU'RE either thinking, this sh*t drives me crazy TOO or YOU'RE thinking I may be calling you out because YOUR spelling is so bad.  Can you guess what the next words are?

YOUR is is also a possessive adjective.  It is used to describe something that belongs to YOU.  IT IS YOURS. (While we are on it. YOURS, should never read YOUR'S.)
Then YOU'RE, again, YOU ARE. YOU'RE really explaining this?  Yes I am, how is YOUR spelling?

Any of my teachers out there have a lesson they'd like to leave in the comments?

IT'S BAAACK! - THE LOVE JOURNAL

As a prelude to my post tomorrow of people and their spelling errors, today I have decided to do some digging and re-introduce to you, the LOVE JOURNAL!  I don't know if it's the start of Summer or the continuation of numbness to spelling errors, but there will be a spelling lesson tomorrow and I invite you today to comment on words that drive you insane that people can not spell.  We shall see if we know the same illiterate people.

TO ENJOY: Click Below!

THE LOVE JOURNAL

BLACK AND WHITE

For the most part everything in life either is something or it isn't.  There is always a simple answer to something, but people seem to need an explanation as to why.  Why? Because they are too stupid to see the reason or they just refuse to believe it is that simple.  People always feel the need to provide an excuse for a situation or some sort of reasoning, but it all comes down to the same outcome.  It's how the justice department handles most things, you're either guilty or your not.  They don't really care why you did something, just more or less if you did it. 

People who make excuses a lot are destined to be failures and I firmly believe that.  Those who think great of themselves and put their best foot forward do not need to reason with those that do not understand.

Are you an excuse-a-holic?  I'm sure we at least all know one. If you find yourself making certain excuses for certain things - vices, working out, eating, being lazy, crappy work ethic or just being a bad person - then cut the crap or just accept it and stop excusing yourself. 

"Several excuses are always less convincing than one. "~Aldous Huxley, Point Counter Point


"Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure." ~Don Wilder and Bill Rechin

"No one ever excused his way to success. "~Dave Del Dotto

"There is no such thing as a list of reasons.  There is either one sufficient reason or a list of excuses."  ~Robert Brault

"One of the most important tasks of a manager is to eliminate his people's excuses for failure." ~Robert Townsend


"Bad men excuse their faults; good men abandon them. " ~Author Unknown


"Justifying a fault doubles it." ~French Proverb

CHRISTMAS MORNING

It's not very often in your adult life that you get the feeling of waking up Christmas morning (when you still believed in Santa) to find a magical and ear to ear smiling feeling.  Today I get to have that feeling for 9 hours on a plane to go see my amazing boyfriend.  I've been looking forward to this day for months now, as do kids with Santa and I'm surely confident that there won't be any coal in my stocking. 



A long distance relationship is probably the worst one there is.  It's not ideal, it's not easy and it's certainly not for everyone.  You feel crazy, emotional and definitely lonely, but this is the time that makes the entire thing worth it.  The hug I get when I get off that plane will be better than any hug anyone could ever give me on a daily basis.  Truly appreciating what you have when you are with that person is what your time spent together is and not taking a moment for granted.  Things in likfe that you truly want are not easy to get and this realtionship has been a proving fact in that and it's work just like everything else worth having.

Soo..just like I did when I was 5, I will be going to bed early so that I can wake up in excitement for what the day has to bring.  Santa Baby...so hurry down the chimney tonight.

ANTI HALLMARK SEGMENT

I've stopped buying cards for people because they are a waste of money.  If I really wanted to say what the card said then I would write it down on a piece of paper or actually say it to the receiver.  $4?  I'd rather add up all the money from all the cards I could give them, and hand them a big fat check. Which would you rather? 

This whole realization happened when the Greeting Card Nazi at Walgreens told me that my card envelope did not match the envelope I was suppose to have with it.  Well...we can't have that can we?  After all I'm sure EVERY card in that store is purchased and others would be very upset about their envelope.  I told the woman I would not buy the card without that envelope because it is the one I wanted, so I left empty handed.  It was a throw down...she was very upset by my immature actions of "switching envelopes".

There are a few occassions when I will splurge on a card, but I'm determined to find a better money or gift card holder then a three dollar and 99 cent,  folded piece of cardboard with a pretty picture on it and some cursive font that makes it look more meaningful.

Sympathy cards I will always send because you never know what people are going through at that time.  It is a very emotional moment so a hallmark card with some perfect words may be exactly what that person needs.  Once in awhile I will come across the Perfect Card, a hilarious highlight to an inside joke that really hits the nail on the head, and I'll cave and buy it.  This is a very rare occasion and usually I find them at Target, believe it or not.
Weddings, of course because it is just easier as well as big functions like Bah Mitzvahs and Graduations.
So far I have found some pretty awesome placeholders of cards for occasions that just don't make sense to buy them.
Thank You - If someone has really gone out of there way or would appreciate it, it's probably worth sending a short note.

Baby Showers - Book for the baby, signed with love and a few words on the inside
Bridal Showers - A frame with some advice or words of marital wisdom and your John Hancock in place of the picture.  You can also just cut out a piece of paper and do the same, tie it to the bag.
Kids Birthdays - a tag, used by the same wrapping paper would be fine.  The kid's not even going to remember who gave it to them even if there is a card.
Adult Birthdays - Buy them a drink instead. You will have NO resistance against this.
Holidays - Really?  I mean maybe Mother's or Father's Day if you are ungracious enough to not get them an actual gift, but a hug, kiss, or dessert of some sort will usually do.
Valentine's Day?  I'd rather a $4 candy bar or a sundae or seriously....just do the dishes and vacuum.  You're probably more likely to get some that way.


So...I've stopped with cards, and to my surprise, no one has cared. It seems to be a win-win.  I mean what do you do with cards anyways, Unless they are in pencil, you can't reuse them.  So, here is my poem to you Hallmark.

I'd spend too much time in your isle,
To read the same cards as last year,
The one where I pick on their age and their eyesight,
Then a "do what you want" on your Birthday cheer.
I know they are nice, but I have to be crass,
To me, greeting cards are a pain in the ass,
Always falling over and overstaying their time,
Charging over a dollar, should just be a crime.
So for your baby? A book.
On Thanksgiving, we'll just eat,
And on your birthday,
Your next shot? My treat!
As far as Special Days,
I'll hand deliver your surprise,
If you're confused as to who's it's from,
Then open your eyes!
$4 is way too much,
Have you watched TV?
That could buy a week's food,
For that child, starving and 3.
Now that'd be a present, saving a life.
I don't think Snoopy on Shoebox, is quite so nice.
My foot is down. I'm out of this trap.
I'm done with your overpriced, words on paper crap.

BLOG REDEMPTION: Captain Obvious

I'm soooo excited to unveil a new addition to the blog.  I'm definitely riding off of the coat tails of a very popular Tosh.O "Web Redemption"  and I'm actually not sure if this will be a huge failure or not, but I will continue to hound people until they do respond, so...no blog is safe and we'll see. Hopefully everyone can see that this is simply a joke and not to be taken too seriously, but we will see who sheds a tear first...First up:

Oh I love when I find a blog titled: "The Perfect Male Blog"( feel free to check it out http://www.theperfectmaleblog.com/ )  I could just run with this one all day long and now have material in case I ever get stumped forever.  He lists the 10 Things That Men Should Know About Women.  I'll list the link so you can read them thoroughly if you so choose (http://bit.ly/k4GwW6 ). 

Anyways...#1 is that we are emotional.  No shit Sherlock.   He says in arguments a man's best bet is to just calm things down.  Well...Jack Foley and Martin Redford, or jack and ass as I will call you...we are emotional because we are exhausted.  You slugs lay around most of the day and do nothing while we not only work and carry out our social lives, but any additional event, happy moment in life or something that involves a decision, just piles more work on top of US.  So maybe, just maybe...if you could possibly fathom folding your clothes while you watch the game, or better yet vacuuming or just all around doing something during commercials maybe even...then we would not be so "emotional " and might slightly care about your opinion around a place where you contribute nothing.  So you're damn right we're emotional, it's because we are exhausted...your best bet is actually to start doing something around wherever you might stand IMMEDIATELY!

I'm actually going to quote their #2 Women Have a Wild Side, to the tee and then we can just make a comment about how neither of them have probably ever been laid.  "If you play your cards right you might get a chance to unveil this aspect of women which all of us yearn profoundly. The key to this approach is to try to work on an impulse and if timing is right, we might get exactly what we want. Note that when getting this side of women, most of them reach limits that even they might even be surprised they had."  I just can not spend any more time on this one.

#3 is essentially somewhat true stating that we like details and mostly we would be happy just to know that the men we are with aren't so completely self involved that they can remember to do the things that we do for them "once in awhile".  It does go along way... however #4 Women Like It When Men Lead, just goes back to #1.  We like it when you make a decision because we are exhausted and just do not want to play a guessing game.  Just pick, since you are like children where you say you don't care and then we have to listen to you bitch all night long when really we would rather be drinking wine, watching bad reality TV, with a People's Magazine in our hands and you rubbing our backs.  Instead...this is what most women see happening when we let you choose the place. The food takes too long at the restaurant you picked, since you insisted, because JackAss over here told you that's what we wanted, you didn't make a reservation and now we are feeding you, like a 5 year old, the snacks we packed in our purse since we KNEW this would happen, while we watch you play Angry Birds until your temper tantrum subsides and then you eat as fast as you can, rush home to fart and snore on the couch while you watch their third re-cap of the game on Sportscenter that you just checked on your phone, while not speaking the entire ride home.


In #5 they go on to tell the desperate male population that women are insecure.  Agreed! The part I do not agree with is that he tells men to humor us once in awhile by making us feel good.  Well if that's the case then ladies...I invite you to actually humor YOURSELVES as well once in awhile and just tell your man the changes he could "stand to see".  His beer gut, the dirt in his fingernails is disgusting if he would like it to go south of anywhere and thirdly..."Yes babe, you are balding and it's not cute".
 
There's a few I will just combine since they are a waste of a Top 10. 
#6 Women believe in Love at First Sight - I don't even know where they received that retarded information.
#8 Women get Periods - Well..anyone who had a mother, sister ,or possibly watched any TV in any part of their lives could catch onto this one Einstein.  "Maybe I was PMSing when I wrote this post."  If you're going to write something like that then let men know that the absolute worst thing they can EVER say, even if we admit to it, or say it is, "Do you have your period again?"  Don't get me started on the dramatics of a man when he is even slightly sick...forget cramps, headache, bloating, hormones, weight gain, nausea and fatigue EVERY month.
#9 Women Like Surprises - Who the F doesn't? Run up to a stranger, a male even, tell him, surprise I got you a penny.  I picked it out just for you.  He's not going to be mad about it!
#10 Women like it when things JUST Happen - refer to #9 JackAss. Who doesn't?
 
I skipped #7 because it is just too good to pass up - Women Like to Test the Men They Like - Newsflash!  We test everyone!  Mostly we aren't testing you we are just literally asking you to do what we want, you're just too stupid to figure it out or too selfish to want to do it so dumbfounded, you think "Is this a test?"  Well if it is JackAss - You've Failed! 
 
You don't know women because most of us don't know ourselves completely...Times are changing and if I were you I'd consider a very serious update if not a complete confession to not knowing shit about Women.  So, are you up for your Blog Redemption JackAss?

TOP 10 FRIDAY: Office Aerobics

The office spread, the corporate 15, fat ass incorporated.  If you sit in a desk for quite a few hours a day, have a kitchen there and work with anyone else who eats...you know what I'm talking about.  I believe my office to be the worst of the worst in the feeding frenzy department...some would call it a perk or a benefit, but I, who have no will power to countless candy bars, options of 100 calorie snacks, ice cream sandwiches, freeze pops and birthday celebrations monthly with ice cream and cake, call it A FAT CAMP.

Since I can't say no to bottomless amounts of yummy treats then I need to find a way to work for them, or work them off while my fat behind enjoys its cushiony layer that my lack of will power is creating.  Below..some Office Exercise tips, I suggest getting a partner involved...that way you don't look like an asshole to those skinny co-harts that don't gain a lb, yet..."don't like vegetables or anything not slobbered in fried grease and ranch dressing".

1.  Walk/Gym at lunch - This is probably the easiest solution as it gets you out of any office lunch temptations and once you lay off the "it's too hot, or I don't have time" excuses...you will see it helps.

2.  Hallway lunges - You want that delicious cookie?  Well then lunge your way all the way to the kitchen and back to get it. Better yet, only allow yourself half the cookie, and lunge back with the other leg to get the other half...fatty.

3. Your chair - Posture and balance are a huge part of working out.  They have chairs to help you with that as seen here.

4.  Copier/Fax Squats - You don't need many squats to be effective, you just need to do them correctly.  While you're waiting for your copies or your fax make sure to do a few, watch your form, and while you're at it, you might as well wait for the fax confirmation too.

5.  Bring in small weights.  You can do bicep curls, shoulder raises, and exercises for your triceps while you're at your desk.  No one is saying you have to get ready and bring your whole set of dumbbells - dumbbell!  A 5 lb weight should do.

6.  Stretching and Balance - Every hour as much as possible, stand-up, stretch for two minutes and then try to do some balancing moves like this one.

7.  Desk push-ups - Because there's no reason not to.  These can actually be done on any table, wall, file cabinet, or stop being a baby and just do them on the floor.

8.  Chair Crunches - Now this exercise is obviously all about tightening your core and really feeling the burn in your abs more than throwing your legs around, but summer is here, and if you are still unbuttoning your pants after that huge lunch, you need to do something.

9.  Stand while you talk on the phone.  Unless you're on the computer and even so, you can bend over...you do not need to be sitting in that chair to talk.

10.  I work best when I'm pushed so find a friend, or just a plain old jerk in your office and have them ridicule you when you are slacking off.  Good ole guilt always does the trick!

Happy Fat Burning Corporate America!

POTTY COMMITTEE

LADIES!!!!  Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Ladies! What is up with your filthy nasty dirty little bathroom habits? 
There are things that are common courtesy for a public bathroom and then there are just plain things you should be doing as a sanitary human being.  Lately I have been finding the most disgusting bathrooms in the most surprising places. 
I was at a restaurant for lunch during the week and the entire room smelt like urine and had tp all over the floor. What's the deal?  If you want to make a pig pen, make a mess of your own house.  I have the bladder of a 5 year old and I'd like to not feel like I just caught something while using the Lou.
I would not be surprised, yet still not expect some of the behavior I've seen from these little piggy men in their watering hole's, but come on!
Some rules to live by...and if you don't already do them you are probably gross so PLEASE, for the love of cleanliness abide by them!

Poop or pee on the seat is unacceptable! Always! Wipe it off...clean it up...and yes you should carry purel or wet ones most of the time for these purposes, but if not, at least others won't have to look at it.  If you are thinking right now that you do not want to sit on a toilet seat someone has peed on then check into reality my friend. Squat or cover the seat with TP/toilet bowl tissue liners.

Look in the toilet after you flush to make sure it's all down.  I don't get showing you my business...I'd rather NOT see yours.

Spray (if it's available) preferably prior.  We all know what you are doing anyways...we'd prefer to smell "Ocean Breeze" then your stanky bum.

Tampons go in the box or trash.  Don't ruin a stall for the rest of us. 

WASH YOUR HANDS and I mean with the soap and actually wash them. Turning the faucet on and running them real quick in not washing them. Gross!

Support your public restroom and stop being a pig!  Relieving ourselves is gross enough, we don't need to partake in others relieving themselves as well.  Feel free to Post this in any bathroom, it has been approved by the Potty Committee - their mission is: "We Otty see it with no P".

ILLOGICALITY

I've decided that everyone has the right to be completely illogical in their decision making.  How can one person possibly be upset at the other for doing what they want to do?  Be prepared for the consequences of your illogical behaviors of course, but screw it, you only live once...do what you want.